Knowledge
by ajax41
Summary: AU.  PreSeries through Season 1.  What if Logan knew who Lilly's killer was all along?  Rated for language.
1. Introduction

**Author's Note:** I posted this on LJ forever ago, but decided to post it here too. I'm not sure when I'll start working on it again, maybe over winter break. 

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**Day after Lilly is found. Echolls' sitting room. Logan is slumped in a chair and Keith sits across from him.**

When he asks Keith Mars the question he's sarcastic, but he really wants to know, "Did you ask daddy dearest that? Is everyone who knows her being questioned, or am I just special?"

_Did he do it? he couldn't have done it. Well, maybe he could... no, not that, he wouldn't have done that._

"Mexico. I was in Mexico with Dick and Beaver."

"Can they confirm this?"

_Would they?_

"Yes."

_Don't ask again. Don't push your luck. Don't risk..._

"So did you?"

Keith Mars blinks in confusion, "Did I what?"

"Ask Aaron for his alibi?"

_shit_

"Do you have any reason to believe that your father would have killed Lilly?"

_She's a conniving bitch? Sorry, don't think that will go over well._

"Do you have any reason to think I would?"

"Logan, I know this is hard, but these are just routine questions. This will go much quicker if you just cooperate."

"Fine."

_Fuck I'm tired._

"Where were you in Mexico."

_Fuck my head hurts._

"TJ"

_Fuck it's hard to breath._

"Do I want to know what you were doing down there?"

"Probably not."

"How did you get the black eye?"


	2. Proposals

**Author's Note:** Flashbacks will consist purely of dialogue. Assume anything you see in dialogue only is either from before the murder the murder itself, or it's immediate reprucusions. (ex. Duncan finding the body) I will probably re-work the introduction later so that it isn't quite so dialogue heavy but I like the dialogue speak for itself from time to time.

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"Let's get married."

"And get a house with a white picket fence? And a dog and 2.5 children? Doesn't really sound like your style, Lilly. I always figured the only way I'd get a ring on your finger is if you were disowned."

"I'm serious. ...Wait, you've thought about it?"

"Maybe."

"Like, what were you thinking?"

"New York. An apartment.. maybe a dog."

"And 2.5 children?"

"No, just you and me."

"Well, I was thinking of something much more interesting."

"Yeah?"

"Vegas. You, me, and Veronica, if we can think of something to tell her parents. We can't bring Duncan, he'd freak."

"Why are we worried about what to tell Veronica's parents?"

"Come on, you know what they're like. They'd never let her go to Vegas."

"I don't think the marriage counts if you have to use a fake ID, Lilly."

"Next year, moron. When I turn eighteen. It'll be fabulous. Celeste will have a stroke."

"Isn't this flattering. Believe me when I say that this has been the most romantic proposal I've ever received."

"Knock it off, Logan. Don't be a bore. It'd be positively scandalous and we'd be the only married couple in school."

"Charming. You're forgetting that I'm younger than you."

"You shouldn't keep reminding me about that, it's such a drag. Anyway, we'll just have to work around that."

"How?"

"I don't know. You could get emancipated."

"Emancipated?"

"You... You know you have grounds for emancipation, Logan."

"We're not discussing _that_."

"Well, we could get your parents permission or something."

"Get their permission? What are you on and why aren't you sharing?"

"Don't be an ass."

"Aaron and Lynn Echolls would not allow their only son to marry, when he is only halfway through high school. Aaron Echolls is a model family man."

"We could say that I'm pregnant, or blackmail them."

"Are you fucking serious? You fucking want to blackmail Aaron fucking Echolls? Do you have a fucking death wish?"

"Quiet! Calm down."

"I'm calm. I'm as calm as fucking anyone would be when you suggest they open Pandora's box."

"Shit Logan, keep your voice down. Are you trying to wake my parents? I mean, If they're going to catch us in bed together we should at least be doing something good."


	3. The Funeral

Logan strides slowly forward trying not to visibly limp. The sun is painfully bright and he's not sure whether he's pissed that the weather is mockingly nice today (Lilly would have spent a least part of the day sunbathing in a delightfully skimpy bikini) or whether he finds it fitting because Lilly burned just as bright. Either way, he's thankful for the excuse to wear sunglasses. He has a hell of a hangover and he's pretty sure he looks like complete shit.

Logan enters the church and blinks as his eyes adjust to the dimmer light, but he doesn't remove his shades. He looks around feeling a little lost. He wants to sit with the Kanes but he's not family, not really. His parents backed out of coming at the last minute. Lynn was in bed nursing a hangover of her own and Aaron had gotten a call from his publicist. Of course, the official story is that Lynn caught a particularly nasty strain of the flu and that Aaron was home caring for her. Not that Logan wants them there, although he wouldn't have minded too much if his mother came. During his second scan of the room he spots a glimpse of gold poking out from the crook of a man's elbow, Veronica.

All Logan can see of her is the crown of her head, but he can somehow tell she's crying. He wonders if it's ok for him to sit with her. He has not spoken to Veronica since before... before he left for TJ. He has not spoken to either Duncan or Veronica, actually. Logan had tried calling Duncan a few times but Celeste wouldn't put him on the phone and Duncan did not call back. Logan had received a couple calls from Veronica but he didn't answer them. He meant to call her back but, well, he was too much of a pussy. The thought of listening to the young blonde's tears and anguish when he couldn't do anything to make it better terrified him. This wasn't something he could fix by threatening her bully or slipping a new CD into her bag.

Someone squeezes past him and he realizes that he's still standing in the doorway. He hesitantly approaches Veronica and her father and sits in the pew a few feet from them. He can now see that Veronica is not only crying into Keith's suit but is clutching a _sunflower_? He wants to question her but can not seem to make any noise so he just studies her and hopes that she notices him soon. Logan loved to tease her about her tiny stature but she had never seemed quite so small to him before. She was shrunken with grief and fear and curled up, half in her father's lap, looking much too young and fragile.

Keith had glanced at Logan when he slid into the pew and Logan involuntarily stiffened. Being around Keith had always made him a tad nervous and being forced to see Keith as Sheriff Mars, not just Veronica's father, was not helping. Logan half expected Keith to tell him to sit somewhere else but he merely turned his attention back to his daughter. Lianne was nowhere in sight. Maybe she was suffering from the same flu strain as Lynn.

Feeling the eyes boring into the back of her skull, Veronica finally notices Logan's presence. She sits up a little straighter and offers him a small smile. He glances at the sunflower and then back up at Veronica's face and cocks an eyebrow. "I just thought Lilly would appreciate something other than, you know, lilies," she whispers to him and blushes. She's right. The sunflower is large and garish and Celeste will hate it and Lilly would love how tacky it looks amidst the classy but bland surroundings courtesy of Celeste. He offers her a small smile in return and silently slips his hand into his pocket and pulls out his prize to show her, a shot glass proclaiming, "I got baked in Ensenada." Veronica giggles a little and Logan hides it before Keith can see.

The ceremony starts and Veronica goes back to crying into her father's suit. Logan almost wishes he had sat somewhere else. He saw Dick and a couple other people from school but no one he really wants to be around right now. He wishes he was in the bathroom getting drunk. It would be a better tribute to Lilly, but she would probably haunt him if he skipped anything dedicated entirely to her. He loved her but he's honestly not sure he could handle seeing her again. Getting drunk is not the best idea. He promised Mr. Kane and Celeste that he would be a pallbearer. He still doesn't know what he was thinking when he did that. He doesn't think he can handle the weight of the coffin right now, but Celeste's brothers are surprisingly burly fellows (and really who would have expected someone has reserved as Celeste to come from such a large family?) so he tries not to panic. Instead he focuses on the instructions that Celeste gave him but his brain is fuzzy and doesn't seem to be working properly. He can't remember what he is supposed to do and its getting a bit difficult to breathe.

Then someone is pulling him by the elbow and guiding him out of the pew and when his brain comes back into focus he's standing in an empty hallway and Mr. Mars is asking him if he's ok. He nods slightly but Mr. Mars insists that he sit on the floor with his head between his knees until his color returns to normal. Logan does as he's told because he feels bad that he's dragged Keith away from Veronica and embarrassed by the whole thing. Logan stammers an apology and asks to go back in because he really doesn't want to mess up his duties as a pallbearer. Keith frowns but helps him up and escorts him back inside. A hand on his shoulder indicates that Keith wants him to sit by the outside edge of the pew and then Keith sits down right next to him. Veronica scoots back up against her father and gazes across Keith's chest with wide eyes. She can't believe that _Logan_ almost fainted, or at least she thinks he did. Keith can't believe anyone would let their sixteen year old kid go to his girlfriend's funeral by himself.

Logan doesn't quite manage to suppress the grunt of pain as he straightens after lowering the casket, but no one pays any attention to him. The burial service ends and Veronica deposits her sunflower with the rest of the flowers and quietly asks him where the shot glass is. He informs her that it's next to the coffin, and is graced with a small, but sad, smile. Keith is giving the Kanes his condolences and Logan makes his way over to them to do the same, Veronica trailing behind him.

He gives the Kanes his parents' apologies but it leaves a bitter taste on his toungue, because he knows they made little to no effort to be here, despite claiming the Kanes as friends. He tries to share a knowing look with Duncan but Duncan stares right through him as if doesn't even realize anyone is there. He tries to speak to Duncan but Duncan doesn't respond and Celeste all but shoos him away, while Jake starts to lead his best friend towards the waiting limo.

Logan is surprised to see that Veronica and Keith are still hanging around, but quickly realizes that Mr. Mars is waiting to see if he needs a ride home. But just as he starts to head towards them, another limo pulls up and Aaron Echolls steps out. It seems that the distress of his friends could not lure him to the funeral, but the paparazzi kept back by Kane security were enough to lure him into at least making an appearance. Logan looks back at the Marses and Keith waves slightly before leading Veronica away. Logan wants to run after them and ask if he can go home with them, but doesn't.

He momentarily entertains the idea of sneaking off somehow and starts to look for a back way out of the cemetery, not blocked by photographers. To his surprise he spots Weevil sitting several feet away, at a different grave site, but instead of looking at the grave in front of him he is staring intently at Lilly's and the expression on his face is more than curiosity. Logan turns away before Weevil sees him looking, and walks stiffly towards his father. _Looks like Lilly had the leader of the local biker gang too, she certainly liked variety_.


	4. Chapter 4

Logan is in his closet. It's a little weird and he knows it, but at the moment he honestly doesn't care. He hasn't hidden in his closet since he was much younger and much more likely to play 'hide and seek,' his least favorite game. He isn't hiding now either. He's just sitting in his closet. It isn't an extremely large closet, but it is a walk-in. It's not like he crammed himself into some uncomfortably small area, except the part where he sort of did. He's sitting to the right of the closet door and his left shoulder is brushing the edge of the door frame while his right shoulder presses gently against the wall. He's slouched down a bit, with his knees drawn to his chest and his bare feet resting against the side of some cardboard boxes, which are stacked up in front of him.

He wiggles his toes, then spreads them apart, and presses them against the cool, smooth surface. He focuses entirely on the feeling of cardboard beneath his feet and for the first time in quite awhile he feels calm. With the door shut, and the light bulb on, his closet feels safe and isolated, even cozy. Those aren't words he'd use to describe any other part of the mansion. Not the pool house or even the garage, where he sometimes slept in the back of his X-terra, if he needed to hide out.

He wonders just how strange his friends would find it, if they knew he had not slept in his own bed since Lilly died. One night under medical observation, two nights with Mrs. Navarro (although he seriously doubts any of her grandchildren knew about it), and several nights with Dick had gotten him through the first two weeks. Ms. Nev had picked him up from the doctor's, taken him home just long enough to be questioned by Keith, and then, to his surprise, helped him back into her car and taken him to her house. He stayed there, unwilling to get out of bed or venture from her room unless the house was completely still and silent. After sitting in her chair next to him the second night, she had to give in when he suggested (again) that he was well enough to go home. He went to Dick's instead. The current Mrs. Casablanca was not thrilled with his presence but Dick had whined, "Dude he's depressed," and, "come on his girlfriend just died," and basically threatened to throw a huge fit, which she did not feel like dealing with. The next several days were a haze of inane conversation, alcohol, and video games. Just before the funeral, it was politely suggested to his parents that maybe it was time for him to go home.

Logan slid his feet up and down the cardboard, enjoying the sensation of slight friction. He was contemplating sleeping in the closet but didn't think sleeping in his current position was such a swell idea and he was pretty sure if he got up he would just leave the closet entirely. It had been harder to find places he was comfortable sleeping after wearing out his welcome at Dick's. He tried going to Duncan's once but the bedroom window, always open for him, was shut and locked and no one woke when he tapped on the glass. He figured Duncan did not want to deal with him right now, confirmed by their complete lack of communication.

Logan started to rub circles in the carpet with his fingers, comparing the feel of shag to the feel of cardboard. He took a deep breath and tried to clear his mind of everything Kane. He didn't want anything to ruin his new safe place. There were shirts hanging above his head but they didn't reach down far enough to bother him. Clothing ran along all three walls, breaking only for the two boxes stacked in front of him. He had never realized just how many clothes he owned. And the shoes lining the back wall, why on earth did a _guy_ have so much footwear?

Logan liked it. He liked the slightly cluttered, yet somehow, still bare space. It was neutral, the way nothing else was. He had no memories of the inside of his closet. No make-out sessions on the furniture. No blood in the back seat. No visions of his girlfriend on top of his father. Just clothing, and cardboard, and carpet, and one bare light bulb.

The box in front of him was labeled books. He could not remember the last time he read a book and he wondered vaguely when he had collected enough to require storage in his closet, but he didn't ponder the question. He didn't look too closely at his clothes and distinguish the individual pieces. It was important that his closet hold no memories, that it be neutral. So he sat and he felt the shag under his fingertips and the cardboard under his toes and he closed his eyes.

Logan was not drunk an he was not drinking. Unusual these days, but not unheard of. His flask sat in his room on his desk and Logan pushed thoughts of it out of his head. He didn't want the smell of alcohol permeating his clothes and lingering in his closet for the next few weeks. To be honest he didn't want it at all. Alcohol wasn't neutral. It was for parties, or pain, or hollow emptiness. All the things he wanted to forget. So he sat and he shut his mind to the world outside his closet.

It might have worked, if his cell hadn't chosen that moment to ring. Logan pulled it out of his pocket with the intention of turning it off but it was Veronica and he couldn't ignore her again. He didn't tell her he was in his closet. She asked him what he was doing and he said he was sleeping. Veronica seemed to find it strange that he was sleeping at four in the afternoon. He told he was sick. He played the angle until she got off of the phone, instructing him to, "feel better." Just because he was not willing to ignore her, didn't mean he felt like talking to her.

Logan sighed and imagined Veronica, or Mr. Mars, or maybe even his mother opening his closet door and seeing him sitting there, staring blankly at a box of books. They would probably grab him by the elbow and drag him to the nearest mental health clinic. Which might not be such a bad idea, he mused, thinking of the scars hidden by his long sleeves. Duncan would probably get into the closet with him and help stare at the cardboard. Mr. Kane might attempt to give him a heart to heart.

Logan rested his head against the wall and tried to ignore the fact that his body was becoming painfully cramped. He gave up and scooted to the side of the boxes, stretched out and drifted off to sleep.


End file.
